Before another woman's basic human right is taken away, we need to talk to boys and men.
After writing and directing my screenplay Daughter back in 2015, (the storyline inspired by two real-life murder cases of women in Melbourne), I was doing so with the motivation that Daughter would be a film that changes people’s perspectives towards how women are viewed in society.
The film was a success, I had achieved what I initially set out to do — educate and talk about violence against women and victim-blaming, as well as media perceptions about women. What followed after the premiere were the worldwide general online sales, educational sales through libraries and online educational distributors, numerous public screenings in Melbourne I organised with guest speakers in the various fields, and even the tour through Victoria to take the message regionally.
However, I am not here to self-promote my film, rather I am writing to talk about the bigger picture.
What I felt after giving this educational film project close to three years of my life, from the initial concept to the year in which the film gained independent traction, was that not much has changed when discussing the issues.
It’s still as exhausting as ever to hold a conversion around violence against women. It’s neverending to discuss the need for change through education systems and the importance of language and gender stereotypes and expectations. Talking about the media reporting of female crime victims, the justice system, and the actual act of men getting away with murdering women is tiring on so many levels.
It’s tiring because we are in 2021, yet we are still having the same discussions. Through media outlets, law enforcement officials are still sending the message to women to be vigilant, watch where they walk, how they travel and what they wear. Headphones are still up there as the reasons women are dying, as are dimly lit parks. But the message is not getting through to men, and to the media — men are still killing women.
The ‘why’ in this equation is what fascinates me and infuriates me in equal measure.
In the UK this month we have the case of Sarah Everard, who on March 3rd walked home alone past 9 pm and did not reach her destination. A male suspect was and still remains in custody as a suspect, while a search of the area where Sarah disappeared uncovered human remains, found in Kent bushland. All week while Sarah remained ‘missing’ the UK, as well as the rest of the world, was shocked and holding their breaths for the word if it was in fact, Sarah.
It was sadly confirmed through a new update recently that the human remains found in the Kent bushland were that of Sarah Everard.
It’s 2021, a time where so much has improved in terms of women’s rights since the women’s suffrage movement in the 1920s gave American women a taste of equality with the right to vote. Yet, in hindsight, not much has changed at all. Women have been and still are being treated as second class citizens in other parts of societies structures, and women are still dying at the hands of men all over the world.
Statistics published in late 2020 by Relief Web bring home the reality of how serious violence against women still is today:
- 1 in 3 women worldwide has experienced physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime.
- Between 80 and 100 million girls are ‘missing’ from the world’s population — victims of gender-based infanticide, femicide, malnutrition and neglect.
- Women between the ages of 15 and 44 are at a higher risk of rape and domestic violence than cancer, car accidents, malaria or being injured in war.
- 30% of females globally have reported that their first sexual experience was forced.
- Domestic violence is a global problem that affects 35% of women worldwide.
- Globally, around 137 women are killed by their partner or a family member every day.
Shocking, right? This is just the tip of the iceberg for women’s suffering on a worldwide scale.
As I toured with my film back in 2016, I discussed violence against women on panels at schools, in the classroom with students and teachers and in community churches, venues and halls. Since then I have voiced the same opinion which I stick with today.
As a woman who has been a victim at the hands of men who crave power over women since I was a teenager, I believe that we need to start at the root of the problem and educate our sons.
It’s an opinion I am aware that I’m not alone in holding. The same opinion has been voiced by both men and women over the years. Those without a medical degree, like myself or those without the experience of rape at the hands of men, like the educated males who have stood beside me on these panels have the same opinion.
To me, that is the solution and its part of the reason why I saw the importance of writing the screenplay for Daughter from a fully female perspective. Through the female gaze, I wanted to drive the message home to people, (mostly men and boys) that it is scary and risky to be a woman. Through these three female leads, Daughter shows what it is like for women out on the streets when women walk home at night, and when we go out drinking, even when we choose an outfit for the office or for a jog.
Women question everything they do each day, choices to which men don’t even have to give a second thought.
A twenty-something male student at the 2016 Daughter educational screening I held as part of a Media Studies class at Waverly TAFE Melbourne, spoke up during the Q&A when after discussed my reasons for making the film. He admitted that he had no idea how bad it was for women as they go about their daily routines. This film was opening his eyes to a new viewpoint.
Responses like this, from men at screenings and events I have held with Daughter, have also opened my eyes to the reality that more discussion with boys and young men is crucial to making changes to the lives of women and girls. Opportunities for men and boys to speak up, learn and talk openly on issues involving women and girl safely needs to be more frequent and available. We as a society need to listen when we see that boys and men are not getting the message and unteach negatives which have been learnt through previous generations.
Every day, in every way, as a society we are responsible for educating boys on treating everyone with respect, including themselves and women. Educating boys that their feelings are valid, allowing them to cry and express themselves as they feel free, without gender expectations is what I wish to see happen while I’m alive.
Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see all gender stereotypes dissolve until they are puddles under our feet, drying up under the sun and disappearing forever?
What I mostly want to see too is education though the school curriculum aimed at boys (and also girls) that ‘no’ means ‘no’ and the meaning of consent. Personally, it’s a self-love, self-awareness education I would have benefited from as a teen, as it would have saved me a lot of personal trauma and experiences with men I can’t shake off.
At home and also out and about on the streets and in the schoolyard changing attitudes and behaviours of boys is everyone’s responsibility. This is the generation where the acceptance of rape jokes on stage and in films, or in our daily conversations should not be the norm. Such jokes are never funny, no matter the place of occurrence or the context. We should be saying no out loud to not accepting female put-downs, female comparisons against one another based on image, and no to sexual jokes in the workplace, around the dinner table or in film and advertisement.
As a society, within our communities, within our households and within our education departments we need to be positively active, not passive. Women and girls need to hear and see these changes actively happen, it will lead to female empowerment on a deeper level, on an equal level. Everyone needs to change the way they speak about women in front of boys, in front of our young men and women and girls. Language both spoken and physical is an important part of changing the narrative and the future actions of men. Humans can do better.
We have to start somewhere or else we are just going to continue having the same conversations around violence against women and victim-blaming in another five years from now.
We all have to start somewhere or we are just going to keep holding our breath when a woman decides to take her basic right and walk home alone at night.
